What keeps you up at night? I know there are plenty of things on my mind. Most recently, this question was asked at a meeting I attended. Sleep and I struggle to be friends sometimes, but I never really thought that this kept me up at night until I heard the question and gave it some thought. 

What keeps me up?

Most recently, I’ve been struggling with a relationship with a colleague. We are two very different people existing in a forced space because we work together. I do not like workplace drama, and honestly, it was unnecessary. I am not for everybody, and everybody is not for me. The thing keeping me up, though, was the words she used to describe me. We may say, “Stick and stone may break my bones, but words will never hurt me!” Until the words are so venomous that it’s like a gut punch that knocks the wind out of you. As she and I sat across a table from one another, she commented, “It’s your personality! You think you’re better than the rest of us! You’re uneducated! You’re unprofessional!” She said a whole lot more; these were the highlights. My immediate thought was when they go low, go lower, (Eric Mays). I elected to take Michelle Obama’s advice to go higher or maintain a level of decorum that did not pull me out of pocket (insert RBF here). I was at a table with someone who had ill will towards me, serving me poison. And I was taking it. Until I wasn’t.

What do I know to be true?

I can’t lie to you for a few nights. Her words consumed me, and I tried to prove I could change her mind. As I was lying on my office floor with my thoughts (FYI- laying on the floor with your thoughts is entirely acceptable when you are in deep thought *smile*), I asked myself if what she said was true for me. It was not! I sat up, got my tray table, and began to serve myself my truth. The truth was she and I were incompatible. The reality also we had to work together. What would I do to maintain a relationship that did not tear me down and produced the work we needed to get done?

There will be peace at my table!

What did I do? How did I get back to rest? How did I enjoy my meal? I did my job. Every time we disagreed, I didn’t have to argue. I opened our work manual and pointed to the policy verifying my statement. For times when there was no policy, I did my research, stated my case, and let the chips fall where they may. Ultimately, it was more important to care about my mental health than to try to prove to someone that I was worthy of their good gracious thoughts. What I feed myself about who I am and who I am still becoming will always take precedence over the thoughts of someone who would not openly invite me to their table. 

Is there something keeping you from rest? How are you dealing with it?

Let’s get straight to the point. In my mid-thirties, my friendship circle changed. It was not by choice. I was bitter and angry about how things had turned out. I felt abandoned, betrayed, and annoyed. At 30-something, you don’t expect to be entering new friendships after your relationships with people for over 30 years. But here I was outside, making a decision to build new connections. I wasn’t sure if I would ever be open to being vulnerable again, but I was always going to be and have a good time. 

I didn’t realize it then, but a shift occurred in my life. There were things, people, and habits that needed to change. However, I am not big on change, so I would have never disrupted my life. I’d learned about disruptive innovation and thought it only applied to business. It does not. I needed this disruption to have the shift in my life fully come to fruition. 

My sister tells me people are seasons, reasons, or lifetimes. That was the first shift, changing my mindset about friendships and realizing that the ending of one doesn’t mean I don’t deserve friendship but that some connections can hold you captive because you don’t learn people’s place in your lives. The second shift came when my sis ( I don’t feel right just calling her friend) Lanience told me I was a b!tch. You wouldn’t believe it to see our friendship now, but she wasn’t wrong. I carried myself in the way of always being on the defense and wasn’t open to allowing people into my life. Her friendship changed that. The third came in two forms. One, I was invited to an event about sisterhood. I planned to blog about the event and share my thoughts. This is where I met my mentor and friend Tenora, who opened my eyes to the elevation of friendships and showed me the good, bad, and ugly sides of sisterhood. The second was a gift exchange. I did not know this person, but she listed a few things she liked on her sheet, so I got to work. Little did I know that paying attention to that sheet would lead to a friendship that added two more people and is one of the most profound connections with other women I have ever had (Kindred Spirits). 

I want to thank the friendships that lead to this. Although we have gone our separate ways, you all significantly changed me for the better. I am forever grateful for the time we had together. Here’s to finding true lasting sisterhoods.

Shout out to my main thangs, Ayesha And Laniece, the most consistent sisters in my life. Love y’all to pieces.

SN: My sister Ayesha is my best friend. There may be consequences if I don’t make that clear, lol.

This month we are talking sisterhood. I was able to have a chat with one of my favorite sistagirls as we discussed her book, I Met a Guy…: And Other Things You Can Only Discuss With Your SisterGirlfriends. View or listen to our discussion at the links below.

View

Listen

Hey Hotties! The last few months of 2022 had your girl in a chokehold. I realized that as much as I love helping others, I was stuck and unable to move forward and help facilitate a space where women can get the help they need and deserve. Between finishing school, IEP meetings, helping my adult children establish goals, and allowing myself to find some form of balance.

What did I do during that time? I rested, read books, sat with myself, walked, then walked some more. I went on solo dates, danced, and let others watch. I loved on me hard. I ended relationships that were holding me hostage, I had difficult conversations, I meditated, I was honest with myself and those around me, and I ushered myself into my soft girl season. I love it here!

Guess what, hotties? I am here to plant seeds, empower, cultivate, and love you all. I am ready to be even more transparent and to align all the women connected with the Hot Mama Spot to the help they need, deserve, and desire. So Hotties, let’s get ready to walk into a new season. A change is coming, and it feels so good.

Let’s be honest! Many of us don’t share our wellness journeys for fear of judgment. Walls have been created because we have been burned in the past and refuse to be burned again. I get it! I’ve been called phony, called out of my name, and shamed for my appearance. At one point, I owned these titles because why would someone say that if it were not true. Had I done something that led them to believe the statements they were making actually described me? I can say that now because I’ve done the work to learn the truth about myself. I’ve worked to be honest with myself about where I am on my life journey and where I would like to go. It’s been eye-opening and painful at times, but I refuse to lie to myself.

Hotties, I implore you to have a real conversation with yourself about who you are. Do you like that person? Do you love her? What does her future look like? This is your life, and you deserve to be honest with yourself. Just because you don’t like something, today doesn’t mean you can’t take the steps to turn it from a negative to a positive. You have the control, own it!

People have varying definitions when it comes to loyalty. If you are my friend and I don’t like someone, then you don’t like them either; if I have a business and you don’t support it, can you call yourself a loyal friend; if I call you at 3am to complain about that man for the umpteenth time and you don’t answer, where does your loyalty lie?! These are all scenarios I’m sure you’ve experienced or know someone who has experienced them. It’s exhausting trying to prove your loyalty to someone constantly. (TIRED!)

It’s time for some mature conversation. As friends, we may not always like the same people. Let’s take it a step further. We may have friends that have no connection to each other. Now don’t go saying so and so did me wrong. You can’t trust them. That determination is not yours to make. The business you started, is your friend your audience? Have you discussed with them and let them know what support looks like to you. If they decide not to support you in the way you determine what are you prepared to do. Are they not loyal for not purchasing, sharing, or liking your business? The last one is my favorite. Are they disloyal if you call someone to drop off your emotional baggage and inform you that they do not have the emotional or mental capacity to handle what you have going on?

If you have to constantly question someone’s loyalty or if they have to question yours, maybe it’s time to re-evaluate the friendship!

Do you consider yourself a loyal friend? What attributes do you look for in a loyal friend?