The other day I was on a call with my coach and she was giving me the business. Y’all when I say the business I mean she was reading me left, right, up, and down. Admittedly, I had a little attitude, who is she to be telling me about myself? After a brief eye roll, I had to agree with her, she was right, I’d been playing it too safe, keeping myself in a corner because I didn’t want to offend, and not celebrating myself because of course I want to be humble. I’d hit the gas on a project and just as it was taking off I’d hit the brakes and everything would come to a screeching halt. Her next question was, “Why?”. Why did I submit to going full throttle and then all of a sudden hit the brakes, derail the vision, and give up. I think she wanted me to sit with this for a while, but truth be told I already knew the answer. The truth is every single time I get excited and know that the vision is coming to life there’s a voice that starts to doubt me and the biggest voice was mine.
See I know I am talented. It’s a flex! I am really good at whatever I put my mind to. Some of the things I’ve accomplished are second nature. I don’t even have to think about them, they just are. With that being said I’ve encountered folks who seem to think me bragging about what I’ve accomplished is me acting funny. I genuinely have experienced folks wanting me to downplay the awesomely amazing person I am because it’s TOO much. Baby, if you know anything about me I live in TOO much! So what did I do, I started to not share what I was accomplishing, began second guessing myself, doubted my God-given talent, and got silent. I’m not talking about the time I took off to re-group, I’m talking about the, “I have the answer to the questions, but I’ll be labeled as a know-it-all so just be quiet”, silence. Let me tell y’all as a creative spirit being quiet can feel like death. My writing tools got weak, my thoughts were jumbled, I was a mess all because I stopped believing in myself and allowed the “support” of others to dictate who I am. *Le sigh!*
In the moment I was getting that read from my coach every emotion I felt after hearing “you doing too much” or “Girl is that your lane” floated up to the top and I immediately got pissed! I wasn’t mad at any other individual but myself. See I know I am the person who has to believe in me first or what’s the point of trying to convince others. I immediately wrote the words “I’m acting funny!” The truth is I need to act funny. I am talented! And if you can’t deal with me patting myself on the back, giving God some glory for allowing me to set a goal and obtain it, or you just have it in your mind I can’t or won’t win, then the way I act will be funny to you. I deserve every moment in the sun, every spotlight that is intended to shine on me, I deserve to be the center of attention.
Don’t let anyone steal from you the confidence, the drive, the act funny you have for yourself.