Being Nanekia…..

squad 1(Lisa’s Suicide, Part 2)

So I’m going to go ahead and finish up my take on Lisa’s Suicide. In case you missed my other posts, I love Being Mary Jane, life lessons, compare to me, Season 3 Episode 3.  I wanted to push through the introduction so that I can get to the meat of this post.  As always transparency is my policy.  This is my life and I’m sharing it with you in hopes that we can spark some conversations to help each other.  So let’s get started.

During Lisa’s funeral, Mary Janes gives the best eulogy…..We are all LIARS!! Yes we are.  Her truth just so happens to be my truth.  Each day I greet people in passing, we exchange pleasantries and I ask how they are doing, but I never really stop to hear the answer because of course, I’m busy, their busy and the world will stop revolving if we take a minute to actually listen to each other.  What would happen if we took the time, a few seconds out of our hectic lives to actually find out how a friend, family member, co-worker, our children, our lovers are actually doing?!  What am I missing out on that could perhaps strengthen our bond, help grasp clarity, or just put a smile on someone’s face?  There have been times in my life where I wish I could go back and have those conversations or just hug the person, at last it was too late, death, distance, life, has gotten in the way and you can’t go back.  Sad but true fact we make ourselves out to be busier than we are to sometimes not have to deal with other people or even deal with ourselves.  (RAISES HAND)  I’m guilty of this and as I write this an overwhelming feeling of regret crushes me because I know I can do better.  I just have to actively make the choice to do better.

I became pregnant at 17, devastating, at least for me. Telling my parents and my family was hard because I know they looked at me and saw a responsible, intelligent, young lady with a bright future.  I had allowed myself to become a statistic, how could I face them now.  I can be honest I worked very hard to make sure I was able to provide for myself and my child.  I worked two jobs while I was pregnant, I went to school, I helped around the house, I tried to be a good daughter so that people would still see that I was able to hold it together, I was not going to burden my family.  One night the mask of okay fell off.  I was in so much pain, I had just gotten off of work and had a terrible cold.  Here I am seven months pregnant tired, achy, coughing up a lung every two seconds trying to still save face.  My grandma came into my room (pause I need a tissue) and tried to help me, but because I didn’t want to appear weak, I yelled at her with all the strength I had left in my body.  I know she was hurt because my hormones were raging and my voice, I can still hear the cruelness I spoke with, in my voice.  My grandma gathered her remedies and went back to her room.  I cried for what seemed like hours, why couldn’t I just be vulnerable and allow her to love me at that moment.  Thank God my grandma had raised enough girls to know how emotional we can be.  I woke up to my head being in her lap, the smell of Vicks all through the room and her rubbing the temples of my forehead.  (To this very day I have yet to find a person who can rub the temples of my forehead and ease my mind like my grandma.)  She wanted to make sure I was okay, despite myself, she loved me enough to know when I wasn’t okay and couldn’t admit it to myself.  We don’t do this anymore.  I’ll text you a hey what’s up, go on Facebook and post a friendship rollcall (my friends and I made the friendship rollcall a thing, you just like the post and I know you’re alive), stalk your Instagram to see if you posted anything or I’ll call you but if you don’t pick up I won’t leave a message and if you call me back, I probably won’t answer cause I’ve moved on to something else.  Sad and pathetic.

Human interaction is important!!!! We tend to think that we can handle everything on our own.  We don’t want to bother people with our sob stories and so we hide, we shield, and we bury ourselves so we don’t have to face the reality that we do need others.  I will be the first to say that I scream I’M INDEPENDENT, DOING IT ON MY OWN, DON’T NEED NOBODY!!!!  The truth is I do need people, I need the people I love and trust to reach out to me, to show me they care.  Even when they are mad at me, and I am sure I piss them off, I still need to interact with them and to know that they support me.  And vice versus, those same people we need, need us.  Sometimes we don’t want to deal with so and so issues because it just becomes too much, but what if you were the last person that so and so had to reach out to, what if you are their anchor the thing that keeps them grounded.  Would you want them to float off into the abyss?  (Note:  there are some people who are attention seekers and no matter how much attention you give, it’s never enough.  Pray for a spirit of discernment for yourself and pray for them to be delivered from that dramatic spirit.)  In all we need human connections to keep us sane, despite the insanity these interactions sometimes tend to cause.

My challenge to you over this joyous season, CHECK UP ON YOUR PEOPLE! Holiday times are usually when people try to put up a front.  Don’t be afraid to gently expose that front and offer some love.

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