Being Nanekia….

Being NanekiaI am a huge fan of the show Being Mary Jane.  I’m ecstatic to watch someone who looks like me, discuss and go through some of the same issues I face.  Although Mary Jane can be a bit extreme sometimes, I enjoying seeing some of my same concerns played out on the big screen.  So this blog series, Being Nanekia, will be my take from the show and how it applies to my life and the lives of some moms I know.

 

So the episode where it’s all about Kara (MJ (Mary Jane’s) producer) caught my attention.  She’s a divorcee (like me) trying to have a relationship, while balancing career and family (ding, ding, ding, like me).  Basically during the episode Kara becomes overwhelmed and has a breakdown.  A breakdown about brownies (not really, but the brownies pushed her over the limit).  Let me say this, no woman should ever have a breakdown about chocolate, it is our friend.  I knew sh*t had hit the fan when brownies made her cry.  How many of us have had those moments, when something simple causes you to totally lose it and you can’t figure out how to pull it together?!  RAISES HAND!

Let me tell you about my moment.  It was a sunny, Saturday afternoonish.  We should’ve all been enjoying the day, but, instead I was in the damp, dark basement doing laundry, the kids were on their electronical devices, and Chef was working on his truck.  Finally I found FREEDOM, I was finally done sorting the laundry and had started a load.  Then I came upstairs to a sink overflowing with dishes, spills on the floor, a clogged toilet, and a screaming toddler.  DEEP BREATHS, DEEP BREATHS!  I picked up my child and headed to the kitchen for a snack and to start dish water.  Then Chef (who is always playful and keeps me laughing) sprays me in the face with the sprayer from the sink.  NOTE:  IF YOU DON’T ALREADY KNOW IT, IT’S AGAINST THE LAW TO SPRAY WATER, WITHOUT PRIOR CONSENT, INTO A BLACK WOMAN’S HAIR!  I lost my ever loving mind.  I may have blacked out for a few seconds, but as I was regaining my consciousness I remember hearing them all laughing.  What was so damn funny?  The house was a mess, the baby was crying, someone would expect food soon, and now my nice neat little hairstyle was soon to be a full afro.  I screamed, I yelled, how ungrateful they are, how none of them ever help me, how I have to always be responsible for everything.  I went on for I am sure what seemed like hours, a never-ending rant about everything, I cleared the room.  Once I stopped I could hear them, the family I claim to love so much, in tears.  What had I done?  I tried to apologize but it fell on deaf ears, I’d hurt them.  I’d hurt them all because I did not know how to ask for help.  My heart sank.

I stood in my kitchen and cried.  Why were they mad at me?  They were the ones who started it.  Then I felt a tug and looked down at my baby girl.  I reached down and pulled her up, she gave me the tightest hug.  This made me cry even more.  It wasn’t my family at all, it was me.  I needed help but hadn’t asked and honestly I was afraid to.  If I can’t run a household and take care of all this stuff, how can I run anything else?  I knew what I had to do.  First my son, I apologized to him for my outrageous behavior, he smiled and gave me a hug.  Next was my hard shell oldest.  She was a bit more vocal about how my “incident” made her feel.  We cried, and then hugged.  Lastly was Chef.  He already thinks I’m a nut so my outburst probably didn’t help my case.  I tried to apologize, but he was not in the mood to talk.  He was trying to bring some laughs to our morning and I completely shut that down.  Then I did it, I stood there vulnerable and confessed…..I NEEDED HELP!  That little statement got his attention.  It’s easier for me to write sometimes then it is for me to be vocal, but in that moment I knew I needed to be vocal.  I let loose, not a rant, but more of a declaration that I couldn’t continue to wear the “S” on my chest, that I needed to be free to be Nanekia, more than being a superwoman.  He seemed to understand.  After all my assuming that no one would ever understand what it’s like to be superhuman daily, he nodded and said he would help.  WOW!

Now don’t get me wrong, the help from my family comes and goes, they are only human, but I appreciate the effort.  It’s hard trying to do everything, build a legacy, and live your dreams.  I know now that I can’t allow myself to get to a point where I become overwhelmed and overreact.  I love my family, I really do.  At times they are great and other times they can really work a nerve, but if we have open honest communication, a willingness to forgive, and fun, we will be alright.

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